This is my first attempt at blogging. Actually, I’ve attempted it more than once, so perhaps it is more accurate to say that this is the first actual blogging attempt I plan to keep up. A problem I have—once I decide to write–is that I find my thoughts and ideas blocked. If I am responding to a thought just off-hand, those thoughts flow freely onto the printed page. I hope to release the silence I experience during disciplined reflection through blogging, while learning–once again– to write on demand, without the wall of silence stopping the flow. This wall–probably built for protection–has effectively kept me silenced for many years, learned behavior from growing up in an evangelical apocalyptic messianic religious tradition. Many of the postings will reflect on the damage caused by this as-yet unnamed cult, and hopefully explain and dissipate the nightmares I still have from years of silent acquiescence to their teachings, as well as the control I always allowed others to have over my life—religious or otherwise.
As a point of introduction: My name, you know, if WordPress has it right on my blog page. I am happily married to a wonderful man, my soul mate, whom I found after more than 40 years of searching. A scientist, much of what we discuss will inevitably find its way to a posting. I have three incredible children, who—despite my haphazard attempts at childrearing—have turned out to be marvelous adults. The blog of one is on my blogroll. I would encourage you to check it out. James is a PhD student (soon to be candidate) in History of Biblical Interpretation. My two youngest, twins, live far away, but are forever near in my thoughts and prayers. David is an engineer. His twin sister, Tricia, is an esthetician with her own business. Now in their 30s, they are all surviving in an increasingly difficult world quite admirably. Thoughts about them will undoubtedly find their way into my musings.
The name of the blog is reflective of the therapy I am currently undergoing. We all know the story of Persephone, her forced descent into the underworld, Demeter’s frantic search, and–finally–the decision of the gods to allow her to come into the light for a prescribed amount of time each year, only to return to her husband and the darkness of hell for the season we call winter. She becomes Queen of the Underworld, and reflects the triple goddess theme: Maiden/Mother/Crone. Reading the books, Goddesses in Older Women, as well as Goddesses in Everywoman, both by Jean Shinoda Bolen, Women Who Run with the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, and The Goddess Within by Jennifer and Roger Woolger, I felt a stirring, an anguish, a recognition of self, in those pages that I had not found before—even though I had read a couple of them earlier in my life, I was not yet ready for their lessons. This time, I was. The Buddhist proverb, “When the student is ready, the master appears” is so very true (there have been other books, but these in particular hit a button). I felt a resonance with Persephone, as well as with the duckling turned swan of the old folk tale, The Ugly Duckling, which Estes explores along with other myths that illustrate the periods of life, the shadows, the emergences, the being, of Woman. Darkness and shadow have followed me for years, resulting in relationships with people who silenced my voice. Not that all those with whom I have associated have had this characteristic, but enough have so that I began to recognize a pattern. Finally, after separating myself from these people and—thank you, Universe– finding my soul mate, I somehow realized I was on a healing path. But, healing takes time. And effort. And patience. My therapist, a wonderful woman, recommended a creative outlet to explore those inner feelings, those things which may be still causing, not only the nightmares, but the inability to let myself go with my instincts, to fully appreciate the beauty of my marriage, to take control of my life. And how, perhaps, being a Persephone, of the effects, emotionally and physically, that could just possibly be a contributory factor for the illness that has, in so many ways, disrupted my life.
So, this attempt is my creative effort. I hope something resonates with you, the potential reader, as I release my inner voice. I will post of different paths, of different hurts; on religion and the damages that can result from early imprinting; of being a woman; on illness; about children and marriage; on events that are occurring in our increasingly volatile world. On fear and happiness. On sorrow and rejoicing. I hope you will join me in my journey to the Springtime as I attempt to bring my inner Persephone towards the light.